Context: written by Iduna during the ~3 years before they left for Ahtohallan. This would be one of her earlier entries. You can learn more about her journaling here.
Dear Mother and Father,
I managed to slip past unnoticed by the castle staff to make it out to my favorite spot. It’s behind the castle where the ground comes to a point overlooking the lake. It reminds me of the spot you two would take me in the forest. There was a ledge that allowed us to look across the sea of treetops.
It’s hard not to think of the wind spirit, whipping around, tossing leaves here and there. Oh, how I miss her. Whenever I feel a gust of wind, my heart leaps for a moment but then sinks into sorrow as memories wash over me.
I like sitting on this ledge, with my feet hanging down. It reminds me of when the wind spirit would lift me high up in the air. And then I think about the anger of the spirits on that fateful day…
At times, I feel like I am doing okay. Other times, I’m not sure I know what I’m doing as a mother, as a queen, as a wife.
Being queen, it’s so hard when others don’t treat me like just another woman. Myrna might be the only one who does. She’s the one who taught me how to make this journal. I still feel like I’m journaling incorrectly. Myrna says there’s no wrong way to do it. She says the same thing about being a mother. But, I’m not sure I believe that.
The castle staff always talk to me with so much respect. They mean well. But I feel alone as a result. They smile and bow whenever I walk by. But how could they think well of me? I’ve separated my daughters. Surely some must speak ill of me.
Sometimes, I find myself wishing I’d never been born. But…then I wouldn’t know Agnarr. I wouldn’t have my scared yet loving and beautiful Elsa. I wouldn’t have my fierce and silly Anna. I just don’t think I’m good at being a good person. But, no, I am glad I’m here. It’s just that on some days, it’s hard to get out of bed. It’s hard to see beyond the fog that invades my thoughts.It’s hard to remember the moments when I do value myself.
I wish you two were here now. And I miss Yelena. So much of my family has been ripped from me.
Sometimes, I just feel so alone.
Love,
Iduna
Note from the Author
A Day With Agnarr is her journal entry from the following day.
This was written as part of a little prompt from the Agduna Discord server. We were partnered up to write and give feedback. My partner had a delightful story.