Context: written sometime after Frozen, most likely before any other Frozen film or short.
Dear Mama and Papa,
When I pass people, I still hear this word echoing in my head, “Monster!” I’ll imagine that someone said it, even if there’s no one around.
I’ll be having a good day, for me, and then something will trigger that memory and my thoughts fixate upon it: I’m a monster. I’m a monster. I’m a monster.
My ability to remember anything meaningful about myself disappears in an instant. I forget what I was doing. I feel a tightness begin to form in my chest. My vision often blurs. My breath starts to evade me. Sometimes, it is so bad I feel like I’m choking.
And when that happens…I cannot remember you. It can take hours or days for me to fully calm down. If it weren’t for Kai and Gerda, who so generously cover for me, I’m not sure if the people of Arendelle would accept me as their Queen.
When Kai told me the story recently about how you, Mama, would say things don’t have to be perfect to be good and meaningful, I realized I want to start writing what I do remember about you. Then, when the darkness sets in, I will have you with me, even if the pain is overwhelming.
Mama, I try to remember the times when you would hold me. Even into my teens, you would sit on my bed and wrap me in your arms and shawl, your hair tumbling around my head. I try to remember the way you would look at me.
I remember how your beautiful, soft purple makeup, mixed with tears, would begin to weave its way down your face. You’d whisper something like, “When we’re together, I have all I wished.”
You always made me feel so whole, so…okay.
Papa, I remember how, when I was young, you would kneel in front of me to look straight into my eyes. Your hands would grip mine in the perfect combination of firmness and tenderness. I think you would say something like, “Elsa, you are good and beautiful.”
When you would hold me, I would feel safe and warm. My heart rate would slow. I always loved the gentle tug I’d feel on my head when you would be twirling a strand of my hair.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not a monster.
Love,
Elsa